I left on Sunday for Durango to work for the week and with not much to do while driving except drive, think, listen to some radio and watch the world go by at 65 mph. Had some bad luck by getting pulled over and then some really good luck with the police officer letting me go with a verbal warning, saving me $170 and 4 points. The more I keep doing this job the more I realize how lucky I am to have a job that pays pretty good and allows Serena to stay home and take care of Claudio, and live a comfortable life. It is easy to fall into complacency and not challenge myself mentally and try to find something to help me mentally not be so bored and feel as though I am not truly living by following what my passion is, I also understand that I need to provide for my family so it limits my ability to just drop everything and pursue something that would make me happy and allow for more time at home and less time on the road and staying in places that I can't visit I can only see from a hotel window. My ability to change my situation is limited due to responsibility but I am trying to be more creative and be present in the moment even if the moment is nothing more than being at work and doing the same thing having the same conversation and listen to the same story and same bullshit I have been listening to for 7 years, only now I don't have the benefit of smoking myself into another world. I started writing this blog to talk about bikes and bike related things but I don't have much to say about the thing I love and try to do more than breath but this turned into my Journal of sorts, not everything makes into this but most of it.
Since I have not been smoking much pot my dreams have been really vivid and sometimes I can even feel things in them and smell things, it is creepy when I wake up and I still have these visions of what happened while dreaming and they stick with me all day, I can't seem to shake the feeling all day it just stays with me and I think about it all day and sometimes all week. Do dreams mean something? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? What is it telling me? maybe that I am an asshole? probably. Maybe it's just a fucking dream and it doesn't mean anything except I am watching to much Sons Of Anarchy. Which of course I am because it's Tuesday night and feels like Thursday already. On a more up beat note I finished Reckless My Life as a Pretender and damn what a cool book if you like to read autobiographies, to see how somebody can write about their life and not leave out some of the most embarrassing moments and truly stupid things done under the guise of youth, learning about sexuality and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Definitely makes me glad I never got into anything hard and just smoked pot and drank, not that drinking hasn't ruined many lives and killed many people, but I never got so far in that I couldn't function without it or used it as a coping method for life, struggles and from feeling anything. To be able to read someones story and to see how drugs were a negative force in their life and watch it destroy people and things that were once so important that nothing was going to stop what was destiny, then watch it all get buried figuratively and literally. Great read that I will read again. To me reading has become a drug of sorts so much that as soon as I am done with one I pick up another one and I am starting Get in the Van by Henry Rollins, I flipped through and was looking at all the Ray Pettibon art is really cool would have been cool to have been there for the beginning of the punk rock scene before it became a violent and hateful.
Family has been something that has not come easy for me I love Claudio and Serena but being a dad has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and it is rewarding and sometimes extremely difficult for me to deal with and understand, I envy the people that are awesome parents and were born to have kids they make it look easy but for me I struggle with it everyday. Some days I wake up and wonder why they are still with and not packed up and moved far away from me and all my bullshit, but every day I wake up and realize that they haven't makes me happy and makes life the crazy adventure that it is. Today I realized that I can no longer be stoned around Claudio and Serena I think because I need to work so hard to be a good dad that it just makes me someone I am not and the way Claudio looks at me and I think he knows that I am not completely present with him at that time and maybe he doesn't know shit and I am just being a paranoid stoner. Maybe.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Progress and Set Backs
Holy shit another week almost gone and here I sit at my computer trying to put some thought into what I am writing and it seems like someday I could write a novel and then there are times like this where just one sentence is like pulling teeth, but here I go anyways. As much as I like remodeling I never really had to live in the spot that I was working in, such is the way when it's your house and you are doing most of the work. Kinda disappointed that I can't finish the drywall since we don't have our electrical problem solved but I am hoping that come Monday Roy has a solution and we can throw another problem at him, to move the light switch from outside the bathroom and move it inside I can't remember why he didn't move it inside and quite honestly I didn't even care I thought it was kinda cool and quirky and gave it something unique. Lets see if he can get it moved since it is not yet finished up then I can finish the drywall and start to do the stuff I am not very good at, not that I am good at hanging drywall just worse at doing corner bead and joint taping. Thursday night after work I got home and had a go at doing some outside corners and let me say that I definitely lost any ability to sling the mud, not that I had that much to lose. Overall thou I am happy how things are turning out, I am getting excited to get the plumbing started and get some tile laid.
Not sure how the weekend will play out but I am hoping that on Saturday I can get Claudio to come with me and have a guys day out of the house, with the nice weather I would like to be outside if he isn't sick. Now that would be cool since Serena will be home and not working another craft show thingy where she can have some time to do what ever she wants to do, although if I know Claudio he won't leave mamas side, which is getting tough to deal with and really sucks because I don't always want to be the third wheel when out and about, I love going out as a family but sometimes I would like to have the little guy all to myself and get to enjoy him and get to know him a little better. To be able to spend a few hours just the two of us is something that I really enjoy and I know that coming up in the next two weeks I won't be home a lot and so things are going to regress some as it always does when I have to travel for work, it makes coming home kinda like going to the dentist, the anxiety of what is to come, then it takes a couple days for the pain to subside or in this case a couple days for anything other than wanting to be next to mom. Oh well at least while I am out of town working I can go and get a new tattoo, not real sure what I am going to get but I have few ideas and I am trying to narrow it down to a couple of them. Thinking about it now I have it figured out what and where I may even post a pic of it on either Instagram or here since nobody reads this it is safe to say nobody will see it.
An update on what I am reading Reckless My Life as a Pretender is a really good read and super interesting how things sometimes just come together and happen whether you are ready or not, I am really enjoying reading about how a band comes together and how stressful it is to be in a band, definitely not a normal way to live and to travel. I am envious of the way they get to travel and see the country whether it is Europe or America, I travel but it is different in so many ways since my free time is in the evening and my travel companion is like a bump on a log that has no interest in what is outside of the hotel room. I am working on getting myself out there and exploring the cities I travel to even if it make me feel guilty about it when Serena is at home dealing with our little wild creature that we made. I think the thing that I dislike most about traveling for work is the change in my diet I end up eating out for dinner every night and I know that it isn't the most healthy thing to be doing for myself considering that when I am at home I try not to drink during the week and I eat pretty healthy most of the time, I do have days where I eat like shit at home but its once in a while not almost every night, I am trying to lose my belly not get a bigger one oh well that is just one thing else to work on but like everything else in life one thing at a time. I am hoping to get out and explore Durango while I am there since I have never been there for any length of time, lets hope for some good weather and none of this cold that seems to follow me whenever I go somewhere and want to see the town.
Some things I would like to like to improve is pushing myself into uncomfortable situations, not anything stupid like a bank robbery, but things that make uncomfortable, not even sure what this means but maybe getting older I feel that I need to push past what I know and maybe learn something new? Maybe finally start using Rosetta Stone and learn Italian? That would make Serena happy, but its hard to study something that is really hard for me, it might be something I work on when I am alone because if the family is around there is too much of a distraction and I am not sure I will even learn it since I am a stone head but hey by the end of the year I might know more than how to order a coffee and a beer!!! Only time will tell. I think I am gonna end this one here, I guess I had more to say than I thought
Not sure how the weekend will play out but I am hoping that on Saturday I can get Claudio to come with me and have a guys day out of the house, with the nice weather I would like to be outside if he isn't sick. Now that would be cool since Serena will be home and not working another craft show thingy where she can have some time to do what ever she wants to do, although if I know Claudio he won't leave mamas side, which is getting tough to deal with and really sucks because I don't always want to be the third wheel when out and about, I love going out as a family but sometimes I would like to have the little guy all to myself and get to enjoy him and get to know him a little better. To be able to spend a few hours just the two of us is something that I really enjoy and I know that coming up in the next two weeks I won't be home a lot and so things are going to regress some as it always does when I have to travel for work, it makes coming home kinda like going to the dentist, the anxiety of what is to come, then it takes a couple days for the pain to subside or in this case a couple days for anything other than wanting to be next to mom. Oh well at least while I am out of town working I can go and get a new tattoo, not real sure what I am going to get but I have few ideas and I am trying to narrow it down to a couple of them. Thinking about it now I have it figured out what and where I may even post a pic of it on either Instagram or here since nobody reads this it is safe to say nobody will see it.
An update on what I am reading Reckless My Life as a Pretender is a really good read and super interesting how things sometimes just come together and happen whether you are ready or not, I am really enjoying reading about how a band comes together and how stressful it is to be in a band, definitely not a normal way to live and to travel. I am envious of the way they get to travel and see the country whether it is Europe or America, I travel but it is different in so many ways since my free time is in the evening and my travel companion is like a bump on a log that has no interest in what is outside of the hotel room. I am working on getting myself out there and exploring the cities I travel to even if it make me feel guilty about it when Serena is at home dealing with our little wild creature that we made. I think the thing that I dislike most about traveling for work is the change in my diet I end up eating out for dinner every night and I know that it isn't the most healthy thing to be doing for myself considering that when I am at home I try not to drink during the week and I eat pretty healthy most of the time, I do have days where I eat like shit at home but its once in a while not almost every night, I am trying to lose my belly not get a bigger one oh well that is just one thing else to work on but like everything else in life one thing at a time. I am hoping to get out and explore Durango while I am there since I have never been there for any length of time, lets hope for some good weather and none of this cold that seems to follow me whenever I go somewhere and want to see the town.
Some things I would like to like to improve is pushing myself into uncomfortable situations, not anything stupid like a bank robbery, but things that make uncomfortable, not even sure what this means but maybe getting older I feel that I need to push past what I know and maybe learn something new? Maybe finally start using Rosetta Stone and learn Italian? That would make Serena happy, but its hard to study something that is really hard for me, it might be something I work on when I am alone because if the family is around there is too much of a distraction and I am not sure I will even learn it since I am a stone head but hey by the end of the year I might know more than how to order a coffee and a beer!!! Only time will tell. I think I am gonna end this one here, I guess I had more to say than I thought
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| best jerk sauce |
Monday, February 15, 2016
The Start of a Remodel
Well another week and it seems like I can't catch my breath with life happening and it doesn't stop for a second 2 weeks gone in February if I blink I might miss the rest. Do you think I will let that happen? Nope don't think so. So lets get this thing going, here at Casa Vannello we are adding a 1/2 bathroom in the downstairs and that means lots of work and money and call to my Uncle Roy for help because lets face it I hang drapes and it has been quite awhile since doing some real construction work and I am not an electrician or a plumber or a framer or a drywall guy or a tile guy or a finish carpenter, but Roy is all of those things and he did teach me a thing or two about each and everyone of those trades. So he is here to help with the two things and matter the most and can be a real pain in the arse if you know what I mean? If not then let say that it is the plumbing and the electrical, because if it isn't plumbed right it leaks or backs up and that is unacceptable, I don't want to flood the guest room with poop!!!! And if it isn't wired right......well I don't want to burn this bad boy down or die or kill my family in a house fire that was caused by me! That would be bad JuJu bro. So I made the call and over the weekend I started to demo everything and get it ready for some good shit to happen. Monday Roy shows up and we start to get a plan about how everything will work and what can and can't be done, we make some compromises and bam we are cooking with fire. Within the first couple days we get walls up and some wire run and immediately we run into an electrical issue that takes pretty much the rest of the week to figure out, although as I write this there still isn't any power downstairs and I am not going to be able to do it without help, I am sure I could figure it out but after how long? A week a month? I have faith thou so I am not stressed about it yet, I think. I don't think I knew how much actually where going to need to see this threw to the end with all the little things and even some of the big things, I am glad to have Secchi here because she is always level headed and she knows more than I think she does about what is needed, it has surprised me and made the whole thing easier she even chipped up all the tile in the entry way like a champ she made me proud. With working at work I have been coming home and working with my uncle until 6ish and I miss working with him, what a great guy to have around me, makes me happy to know that he is willing to help me out, I don't miss the inconsistency of the work but working with lumber and the saws and nail guns makes me miss the remodel biz, don't get me wrong I enjoy what I do now because it is easier on my body, but having to deal with the people I work with is making me fucking crazy one is a selfish know it all and other one is like a rabid dog on cocaine so it seems like all my energy is wasted on keeping myself together and not become someone who can't see all good that has come my way because of these two guys they have really been good to me. Can't complain to much since I really only work about 3/4 of the time most people do and make more than most and I am not killing my self at work either.
With the weekend over and not much changed with the wiring I hope we have the wiring wrapped up on Monday, since I have the day off. By the end of the day I will have the closets framed up and ready for drywall, not sure if I should tile first but I feel that it would just get mega dirty with all the drywall work that needs to be done, not to mention texture and paintings.
The weekend came and went and I didn't get much reading done or really anything else. Although I did get out for a ride on Sunday and it was cool to get to ride with the boys, I know I don't ride with other people very often and I think I am left feeling unsatisfied with how I feel during and after such rides where I can't find a good rhythm. I am really loving my new frame bags, one of the best investments I have ever made being able to take off the backpack has been really important in regulating my temperature during my rides, its nice to know that the money spent on my jerseys and nice base layers was worth it now that they can work. I got to spend the day with Claudio just me and him and what a fun time we had at the indoor play area, for 2 hours all he did was run and jump in the bouncy castle except for the 5 minutes that he stopped to eat some tortilla chips. Pretty cool to see him run and slide and really hold his own even with bigger kids trying to push the younger ones around he stood his ground and I was proud of him. It seems like the day he turned 3 he became even more whinny and hard to deal with, potty training has been one big pain in the ass with some days he wants to wear underwear and some days the diaper and the fact that I can't even be in the room while he pees is hard to deal with because when Serena leaves he holds it until she gets back. So much teaching him to pee outside? Oh well maybe when he is older.
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| before |
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| progress |
The weekend came and went and I didn't get much reading done or really anything else. Although I did get out for a ride on Sunday and it was cool to get to ride with the boys, I know I don't ride with other people very often and I think I am left feeling unsatisfied with how I feel during and after such rides where I can't find a good rhythm. I am really loving my new frame bags, one of the best investments I have ever made being able to take off the backpack has been really important in regulating my temperature during my rides, its nice to know that the money spent on my jerseys and nice base layers was worth it now that they can work. I got to spend the day with Claudio just me and him and what a fun time we had at the indoor play area, for 2 hours all he did was run and jump in the bouncy castle except for the 5 minutes that he stopped to eat some tortilla chips. Pretty cool to see him run and slide and really hold his own even with bigger kids trying to push the younger ones around he stood his ground and I was proud of him. It seems like the day he turned 3 he became even more whinny and hard to deal with, potty training has been one big pain in the ass with some days he wants to wear underwear and some days the diaper and the fact that I can't even be in the room while he pees is hard to deal with because when Serena leaves he holds it until she gets back. So much teaching him to pee outside? Oh well maybe when he is older.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Snow storms and snowshoes
The week started out with a big snow storm that dropped about 15" of white gold, I was happy to see some snow and a lot of it was even better, I have been needing to get out and get some adventuring in so when work canceled on Friday and with Serena and Claudio in Iowa I took Benji and we went to the mountains. What a beautiful day to be out with the dog out in the mountains some of the trail was packed out but we got enough breaking trail to make both of us tired and ready to relax. Conditions couldn't have been better the snow was soft and fluffy with mostly untracked trail. Benji was so excited after being stuck in the house the previous day he was running up and down High Dr on our way up to bear creek, I haven't seen him like that in quite awhile it was good to see him acting like a pup.
This is where the fun starts not sure how far up the trail we made it but it sure felt like triple to what it actually was, but holy cow it was fun and I even got to go and get some High Grade Food from my friend Everton, man that guy makes the best Jamaican food I have ever eaten. While I was out getting my snowshoe fun in Serena was in Iowa meeting with the great doctor Morcuende and I am happy that Claudio is not in a cast or ready to have another tendon lengthening operation because then I am afraid that Serena will want to stay out there for more than a week and I don't think that is a good idea but we will figure that out when we come to that bridge, I just hope we don't need to cross that one it make me nervous just thinking about it. As much as I am thankful for everything positive that has come with Iowa the one big negative is that it is so far to travel and if we go as a family it gets to be rather expensive and I can't afford to miss work, even though I wouldn't actually miss work. Being close to home would be nice if and when Claudio will need to be casted again.
Saturday started with a nice wake up in the form of Benji licking my face to let him out and me just being completely hung over and wishing I could handle my lack of drinking prowess better, oh well just suck it up and quit being a pussy is all I can say about that and since the family was going to be coming home later in the day I had one thing on my mind besides coffee and that was to get ready to go snowshoe with Jay and Benji up in Monument and wow what an adventure we would have once me and the dog got Jay moving in the direction of the front door because he was feeling the late night of drinking just as much as me if not even more, insert evil laugh. Since it was going to be such a nice day out I didn't push to hard. Once we got ready and start our little trip I forgot about being hungover all together and just really enjoyed being outside with my good friend and my dog, Benji definitely wasn't as wild as the day before and thank god because we might have lost him to chasing down the deer but to my surprise he listened for a change and didn't go chasing them down. After that first encounter the rest of the day would go smooth and we did a lot of free shoeing around the Monument Preserve, not sure which is harder going up something steep or trudging through the flats? One thing I do know for sure is that snowshoeing is my favorite winter time activity, no driving for hours and spending a bunch of money at a ski resort, I do miss snowboarding, the speed, the powder days and the tree runs but what I don't miss is the drive to and from. With all the driving I do for work I would much rather spend time doing and less time driving to get out.
We are starting our first big project of the year and we have been taking the house apart to get the new bathroom started and with that I have my Uncle Roy coming down from Denver to help me get the plumbing done and the electrical done, while I can drywall and lay tile myself I needed his expertise in getting the two most important things done right because if the plumbing isn't done right we have a nasty problem and if the electrical isn't done right I burn the house down so the decision to call in the pros was easy. Can't wait to get this project going I think Serena has a good idea of what colors to paint and the type of tile that will make it look good while I have the job of executing her ideas, lets hope I can make it look as good and she thinks it will look, I have my fingers crossed. Overall it has been a really good week, and I can say for certain that I am glad that Serena and Claudio are home because it is just to quite and lonely in the house when they are gone, sure its nice to have the house to myself and to get out and see my friends without a timer running but I don't sleep very good alone anymore and I can't even sleep in the bed I always end of sleeping on the couch.
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| my favorite trail sign |
This is where the fun starts not sure how far up the trail we made it but it sure felt like triple to what it actually was, but holy cow it was fun and I even got to go and get some High Grade Food from my friend Everton, man that guy makes the best Jamaican food I have ever eaten. While I was out getting my snowshoe fun in Serena was in Iowa meeting with the great doctor Morcuende and I am happy that Claudio is not in a cast or ready to have another tendon lengthening operation because then I am afraid that Serena will want to stay out there for more than a week and I don't think that is a good idea but we will figure that out when we come to that bridge, I just hope we don't need to cross that one it make me nervous just thinking about it. As much as I am thankful for everything positive that has come with Iowa the one big negative is that it is so far to travel and if we go as a family it gets to be rather expensive and I can't afford to miss work, even though I wouldn't actually miss work. Being close to home would be nice if and when Claudio will need to be casted again.
Saturday started with a nice wake up in the form of Benji licking my face to let him out and me just being completely hung over and wishing I could handle my lack of drinking prowess better, oh well just suck it up and quit being a pussy is all I can say about that and since the family was going to be coming home later in the day I had one thing on my mind besides coffee and that was to get ready to go snowshoe with Jay and Benji up in Monument and wow what an adventure we would have once me and the dog got Jay moving in the direction of the front door because he was feeling the late night of drinking just as much as me if not even more, insert evil laugh. Since it was going to be such a nice day out I didn't push to hard. Once we got ready and start our little trip I forgot about being hungover all together and just really enjoyed being outside with my good friend and my dog, Benji definitely wasn't as wild as the day before and thank god because we might have lost him to chasing down the deer but to my surprise he listened for a change and didn't go chasing them down. After that first encounter the rest of the day would go smooth and we did a lot of free shoeing around the Monument Preserve, not sure which is harder going up something steep or trudging through the flats? One thing I do know for sure is that snowshoeing is my favorite winter time activity, no driving for hours and spending a bunch of money at a ski resort, I do miss snowboarding, the speed, the powder days and the tree runs but what I don't miss is the drive to and from. With all the driving I do for work I would much rather spend time doing and less time driving to get out.
We are starting our first big project of the year and we have been taking the house apart to get the new bathroom started and with that I have my Uncle Roy coming down from Denver to help me get the plumbing done and the electrical done, while I can drywall and lay tile myself I needed his expertise in getting the two most important things done right because if the plumbing isn't done right we have a nasty problem and if the electrical isn't done right I burn the house down so the decision to call in the pros was easy. Can't wait to get this project going I think Serena has a good idea of what colors to paint and the type of tile that will make it look good while I have the job of executing her ideas, lets hope I can make it look as good and she thinks it will look, I have my fingers crossed. Overall it has been a really good week, and I can say for certain that I am glad that Serena and Claudio are home because it is just to quite and lonely in the house when they are gone, sure its nice to have the house to myself and to get out and see my friends without a timer running but I don't sleep very good alone anymore and I can't even sleep in the bed I always end of sleeping on the couch.
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| Benji |
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