On the Road Again

   I left on Sunday for Durango to work for the week and with not much to do while driving except drive, think, listen to some radio and watch the world go by at 65 mph.  Had some bad luck by getting pulled over and then some really good luck with the police officer letting me go with a verbal warning, saving me $170 and 4 points.  The more I keep doing this job the more I realize how lucky I am to have a job that pays pretty good and allows Serena to stay home and take care of Claudio, and live a comfortable life.  It is easy to fall into complacency and not challenge myself mentally and try to find something to help me mentally not be so bored and feel as though I am not truly living by following what my passion is, I also understand that I need to provide for my family so it limits my ability to just drop everything and pursue something that would make me happy and allow for more time at home and less time on the road and staying in places that I can't visit I can only see from a hotel window.  My ability to change my situation is limited due to responsibility but I am trying to be more creative and be present in the moment even if the moment is nothing more than being at work and doing the same thing having the same conversation and listen to the same story and same bullshit I have been listening to for 7 years, only now I don't have the benefit of smoking myself into another world. I started writing this blog to talk about bikes and bike related things but I don't have much to say about the thing I love and try to do more than breath but this turned into my Journal of sorts, not everything makes into this but most of it.
   Since I have not been smoking much pot my dreams have been really vivid and sometimes I can even feel things in them and smell things, it is creepy when I wake up and I still have these visions of what happened while dreaming and they stick with me all day, I can't seem to shake the feeling all day it just stays with me and I think about it all day and sometimes all week.  Do dreams mean something? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?   What is it telling me? maybe that I am an asshole? probably.  Maybe it's just a fucking dream and it doesn't mean anything except I am watching to much Sons Of Anarchy.  Which of course I am because it's Tuesday night and feels like Thursday already.  On a more up beat note I finished Reckless My Life as a Pretender and damn what a cool book if you like to read autobiographies, to see how somebody can write about their life and not leave out some of the most embarrassing moments and truly stupid things done under the guise of youth, learning about sexuality and experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  Definitely makes me glad I never got into anything hard and just smoked pot and drank, not that drinking hasn't ruined many lives and killed many people, but I never got so far in that I couldn't function without it or used it as a coping method for life, struggles and from feeling anything.  To be able to read someones story and to see how drugs were a negative force in their life and watch it destroy people and things that were once so important that nothing was going to stop what was destiny, then watch it all get buried figuratively and literally.  Great read that I will read again.  To me reading has become a drug of sorts so much that as soon as I am done with one I pick up another one and I am starting Get in the Van by Henry Rollins, I flipped through and was looking at all the Ray Pettibon art is really cool would have been cool to have been there for the beginning of the punk rock scene before it became a violent and hateful.    
   Family has been something that has not come easy for me I love Claudio and Serena but being a dad has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and it is rewarding and sometimes extremely difficult for me to deal with and understand, I envy the people that are awesome parents and were born to have kids they make it look easy but for me I struggle with it everyday.  Some days I wake up and wonder why they are still with and not packed up and moved far away from me and all my bullshit, but every day I wake up and realize that they haven't makes me happy and makes life the crazy adventure that it is.  Today I realized that I can no longer be stoned around Claudio and Serena I think because I need to work so hard to be a good dad that it just makes me someone I am not and the way Claudio looks at me and I think he knows that I am not completely present with him at that time and maybe he doesn't know shit and I am just being a paranoid stoner. Maybe.